To My Future Self

It has officially been a year. 

No, not since my previous blog post (although it has been a while!). It has technically been a year plus a day because I couldn’t type this out in time. What it has been over a year from is the day that we admitted to our ex girlfriend that we enjoyed wearing women’s clothing. I know it’s cliche to say, but that day, August 19th, 2019, was the day that would change our life forever. 

This was the moment that set everything in motion, something that seemed minor at the time but would cause consequences we could have never predicted. Our entire life had been spent holding back our innermost desires, wants and euphorias. Making that admission to her created the first cracks in the fragile dam holding everything inside of us, and we would quickly begin to seriously question our own gender identity. By November 26th we were trying new pronouns with our friends and on December 1st, we were told by our girlfriend that she hated us for doing so.

Just a year ago, the vision that we had for our life looked so incredibly different compared to what it does now. If the past me from August of 2019 (I know I’m involving the past, future, and present me in on this blog post, bare with me) were to write a blog post about where he saw his life headed, he would tell us that his goal was to move in with his girlfriend, settle down, and spend less time at work and more time with his friends.

That vision, and that version of myself, is gone. We broke up with our girlfriend on January 20th. Many of the friends that we wanted to spend more time with have grown apart due to our choices. Is it sad? Possibly. It hurts to reminisce on what could have been had our visions not diverged from each other on August 19th last year. There is always a part of me that will hurt knowing that maybe if we didn’t speak up, if we had kept our head down and stayed quiet, all that heartache could have been avoided. 

That is not to say that my new vision is any less bright. Quite the contrary; despite all of our struggles and intense discomfort that we endured, the version of myself that emerged from all this—Claire—is a much happier person. She’s somebody who finds confidence in her identity and is proud to do the things that brings her joy. In the break between this post and my previous, we have been in the process of closing on a house and preparing for the move. We are scheduled to close in eight days. I bet you remember what that was like, the constant butterflies and nervousness. Hopefully there haven’t been any significant repair projects between now and when you read this later (I’ve tried to save you enough cash so you can get that cat we’ve always wanted). I’ve also made enough mental gymnastics to decide without a shadow of doubt that I would like to begin laser hair removal and start HRT as soon as possible. All of these are huge changes to our life, but they are changes that I believe will let us live as authentically as we can. Right now, I hope that a year from now I can take those steps and live more comfortably as the person I am.

It’s almost symbolic that a year after making that first step towards transitioning, I’ll be now moving into a place all my own with more freedom than ever to be Claire. I can’t wait to see where this takes me and who you’ve become along the way. If there’s anything I want you to know when you look back and read this, it’s that don’t be afraid if the vision of your life is different than what it is now. Change is not always bad; our greatest trials are often our best teachers. Just make sure that if you decide to not adopt a cat, you have a darned good explanation, because if you deny me this I will find a way to invent time travel and knock some sense into you.

I love you, Claire. Please don’t forget to love yourself as much as I do right now.